The more I think about the new GI Joe movie the more it ticks me off. What happened to the “REAL AMERICAN HERO”? Instead we get the “TOKEN, POLITICALLY CORRECT, CROSS CULTURAL, GLOBAL COOL GUYS THAT USE TECH TOYS REAL WELL”. Are we really supposed to believe these guys are soldiers? Cmon?!?! Duke was a fairly believeable soldier and Ripcord seemed like his nice friend but….. cmon! These guys might be able to put on a nice play for the soldiers in Iraq during some USO function but thats about it.
Why can’t we have an AMERICAN group of soldiers? GI Joe has always been about OUR troops, blowing up everybody else…. why does the global peacekeeping force have to get involved? Whats so wrong with our boys and girls putting a half nelson on the global opposition. Maybe Michelle Obama should have been in the movie at some point saying “with this global task force this is the first time I’ve ever been proud of my country”. Sniff, sniff, gimme a break!
Somebody give me some money and I’ll make a real movie… I’m sick of this junk! I’d make a GI JOE that has AMERICANS, shooting lots of LASER BEAMs, BLOWING UP LOTS OF STUFF, the good ole fashioned way with lots of sweat, blood and superior incendiary and conventional firepower! Oh yeah, Cobra Commander would sound like a screaming MANIAC instead of Darth Vader too! After the Joes wiped out the Commies and the Nazis they’d drive back to base in their DETROIT made off-road trucks, sit down and watch some BASEBALL and eat some APPLE PIE… do you get the picture?
There were flashes of brilliance in the movie…. Scarlet’s crossbow was pretty cool, Destro before he became Destro was pretty cool, the Nighhawk looked nice but for the most part this movie was garbage. I’ve went off on this movie in front of some folks and they’ve said “its about entertainment”….. nope this was about marketing. Market this cliche ridden waste of an hour to as many countries as possible!
They should have really played up the stereotypes of the Joes…. Matthew McWhateverhisnameis could have been “Rock and Roll” the wildman from Texas, Jesse Ventura could have been “Gung Ho”, Tom Berenger could have been ”Duke”, maybe have Chuck Norris as “Hawk”, you know they should have gotten guys that might have been soldiers in the process… and what’s up with all this namby pamby taekwando, sissy, flying-through-the-air fighting? It was bad enough when the robots were doing kung fu in transformers (50 foot tall robots that weigh a zillion pounds doing kung fu!?!?!), but now the elite fighting people of the world are doing it… cmon! Why aren’t the Joes doing Krav Maga or using the Marines CBQ fighting system? I want to see soldiers knocking out spleens and crushing in temples… not watching some ballet that features wanna-be dance kung fu wimps trying to see how high they can make their kicks go!
And the major issue I have with the movie….. OOOOOOHHHH we have some stone cold killers that kill at a whim…. OOOOHHH thats so scary! Storm Shadow walks in and blasts some guy in the particle accelerator (that looks more like a disco tech to me!) and I guess we are supposed to think he is the baddest guy on the planet. And COBRA COMMANDER…. some scroungy looking guy showed him his crappy lab and nano-tech ideas in some hovel in East Africa so he decides to become a complete fruitcake… can you say PLOT HOLE!
Why does Cobra Commander talk like Darth Vader when he puts on his metal skull-looking face mask anyway? Are they trying to cash in on the Star Wars craze or something? Why does every bad guy have to have a low voice anyway… the cartoon Cobra Commander was much better… he went freakin crazy at the drop of a hat and was screaming like a maniac all the time… fact was he was a MANIAC… thats a lot more scary then somebody in a metal skull mask that has a fake low voice.
So I give GI Joe The Rise of Cobra two thumbs down. This movie couldn’t figure out if it wanted to seem realistic or be campy… the director should have watched Ironman or the original Spiderman…. maybe something would have rubbed off.
